They are starting again....

It's a reaccuring dream/thought pattern. I go back in time to warn myself about certain people and events. On other occations, I have gone back to when I was about 16 years old. But this time, I was 13. Before sex, drugs and impatience took over. That's when my family and I moved to Virginia Beach and I was so lonely I feared I was going to die. I had been so excited moving from a boring town in Missouri, to exotic Va. Beach! So many things didn't occur to me until we had settled in and I had a chance to really think about what the move was. A new life. Oh, if only I could go back for a couple of hours, sit at the end of my bed and have a heart to heart talk with myself. Show me how each of my decisions effected me and warn myself to stay away from the two exhusbands and find my master. He was only living a few miles from me, although older and worldy. Weep with myself as I tell her about the child I had to bury, the illnesses I endured, how smoking ruined my singing in high school and the horrible way I lost my precious flower. I would make her write everything I said down and swear that she will follow my instructions for getting to my master. During that time, he needed me. He still needs me, I guess. I wish I knew how or why. We never did have our ceramony...just didn't do it. I have given up on it. He doesn't show much interest in me. Who can blame him, I don't much interest in life. Wow, this is depressing.
I have taken to reading and rereading things I have written. Over and over, obsessing. Trying to find something of myself in my writing. Trying to generate something worthy of my master and my life. I may write more about this....blog blog blog.
Oh to have been ushered into darkness before the heartaches and physical damage! But alas, I wasn't brought over until I gave birth 5 times and had major stomach surgery rendering me gastly to gaze upon. No matter how many times I dye my hair it comes right back to the color.
Listen to me!!!! Here I am, an immortal and all I can think about is undoing my mistakes. But all of the mistakes I have made are part of who I am. So I guess what I am saying is I don't like who I am. Well, that's bullshit. Yes, I have been weak, and yes I have been impatient...and yes I have made some horrible decisions in my life. But I have made some good ones too and deciding to mate for all eternity with my master is my best decision!!!! Shake yourself, this is just a ghost haunting you.